


maybe we could be a symphony (and maybe I could learn to play)

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Bittersweet, Character Study, Feels, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Relationship Study, the author has sad feels and will post emotional fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 11:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17425211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: „Do you really want to keep on doing that?” he asked quietly right after Yuzuru hissed and touched his ankle carefully „To skate, despite everything?”Yuzuru stared at him, his eyes dark and wide, a shadow of something unnamed, like sadness and longing and determination all at once.„I don't know if I can, without you.” he said slowly and Javier's heart ached „But I need to try.”





	maybe we could be a symphony (and maybe I could learn to play)

**Author's Note:**

> Another relationship story from me? You bet! It was saved on my laptop for months and today The Sad Muse kicked in again.  
> Title from 'Ending' by Isak Danielson.  
> Please note that English is not my first language and this is fiction, of course!  
> I hope you enjoy!

They met in Russia, sharing smiles across the table, but even after that Yuzuru rarely appeared in Javier's thoughts, until some competition came and he thought _oh, I need to watch out for this one._ A small boy with big jumps, who sometimes smiled so brightly the ice could melt, and sometimes looked so terrifying Javier kind of wanted to hide.

And then one day Brian said that boy wanted to train with him.

„I don't mind.” Javier shrugged „It'll be fun.”

Oh, if he had only known.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru was a ray of sunshine, but also an insufferable asshole, and Javier liked him, but sometimes he was so fed up with his behaviour he had to grit his teeth not to say anything. It felt like Yuzuru had more than one personality in him, the polite and cute one, carefully crafted for sake of media and audiences. And then the other one, the one that Javier saw almost everyday, which also was kind of complex. He was focused, to a point when it was scary, but he could also laugh and joke and cheer for Javier as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

He could be cold and distant, and say mean things in that broken English of his, but Javi accepted him just like he was, and with time he learned how to smooth his sharp edges and melt the ice in his eyes and bones. And after some time it was Yuzuru who would take his hand first, sparkles dancing in his eyes.

They learned each other, slowly, and they didn't even notice when they started fitting like trusted pair of gloves, keeping each other warm. And they learned how to accept each other, with everything they were and weren't.

 

Yuzuru was probably the loneliest person Javier knew. And what was the most heartbreaking- he had chosen that way himself.

Javier tried, in the beggining, but it was obvious that it wasn't what Yuzuru wanted. It was kind of funny, that seventeen years old kid trying to act so tough, but Javier had none of that. There was no friendship between them, in a commonly understood sense; because everything ended on the ice, but also something began, maybe even more precious and important.

And they were good, close but distant at the same time, and they knew things about each other that people had no idea of. Just like that Javier knew how much acting Yuzuru was putting, for the sake of his coaches, his fans, everyone. But he couldn't fool Javier. Not even once.

 

The world would get frantic at a mere thought of Yuzuru wanting to finish his career, every gossip causing new waves of comments. But to be honest, Javier couldn't relate. He believed that Yuzuru should at least consider retiring, and a part of him had been thinking that he would do that after Korea, that maybe that would be it for both of them.

It wasn't because he was jealous or upset, or full of envy. It was because he cared, so much, maybe too much. Yuzuru was great when he was skating, but a part of Javier wanted him to stop.

Because he had seen Yuzuru fall too many times, he held him while he cried and screamed and sobbed. Javier knew, and he just wanted him to stop, to think, to take a breath. To rest.

He told him that, only once, in a moment of confidence. He never really told Yuzuru what he should do- that wasn't his place. But it was right after announcing his own upcoming retirement, something Yuzuru still couldn't come to term with.

„Do you really want to keep on doing that?” he asked quietly right after Yuzuru hissed and touched his ankle carefully „To skate, despite everything?”

Yuzuru stared at him, his eyes dark and wide, a shadow of something unnamed, like sadness and longing and determination all at once.

„I don't know if I can, without you.” he said slowly and Javier's heart ached „But I need to try.”

He knew how much Yuzuru suffered, and sometimes he thought that it really wasn't worth it. Because Yuzuru was pouring himself out on the ice, baring his heart and soul, putting himself at mercy of everyone around him, and all he got back was a thousand of mascots and admiration so intense he didn't know how to deal with it.

A lot of people thought that Yuzuru was still going because he loved skating, loved competing so much that he couldn't let go. And that was a part of the reason, Javier thought, but he could see the truth so vividly and sharply it almost hurt to think about it.

Yuzuru was scared.

Skating was the only life he knew, and he sacrificed everything for that, his body, his mind, and maybe even his freedom. And he had no clue how his life would look like _after,_ when there would be no more medal to win, to more records to break and he would have to face the new, harsh reality.

And to be honest, Javier was scared too. Scared that Yuzuru would never be able to leave the bubble he was living in, that cage he was trapped in even if he couldn't see that. He was scared, and he was sad, because Yuzuru had missed out so much already.

And Javier knew so much about missed chances.

He wanted Yuzuru to be happy, just like that. To find someone who would keep him grounded, something Javier couldn't do anymore. Someone who would hold him, tell him to stop, make him laugh. Just a few bits of happiness, just some glimpses of normality.

 

* * *

 

Javier never really thought how it would end, and then it was happening, and his chest had never felt so full before.

„Good luck.” Yuzuru said, his nose pressed against Javier's chest.

„You too.” Javier said, smiling softly, his fingers playing with Yuzuru's hair as he was telling himself that _this is it, you're leaving tomorrow, it's over_ „Try to break some new records, okay?”

„I try.” Yuzuru sniffled and then looked Javier in the eyes, and he was suprized by how intense his gaze was „When will I see you?”

„I'll do some summer shows in Japan for sure.” he said, but summer felt so far away his heat clenched weirdly at the thought.

Yuzuru nodded, slowly, his hand grasping Javier's sleeve as he looked him in the eyes.

„Take care of yourself.” Javier said, like so many times before, and then „I hope you'll find someone who can make you laugh.”

A small, stupid sentence that put melancholy in Yuzuru's eyes.

„I did.” he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper „And I miss him already.”

They stood, looking into each other's eyes, and Javier thought, with a clenched heart, that yeah- he knew a lot about missed chances.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments!


End file.
